Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
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Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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