well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
