Your face is a jimmy john
There is a new fb quiz: "are you at ypical woman, future ex or from crazy town" - should i take it?
Aren't all three of those the same though?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
