i just sent this text using only my big toe
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
