I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
