The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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