Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
