Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
