Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'm at about main and main street
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
