That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I am one with the molecules
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Randomize
