ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
