The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
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The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
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Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again