I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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