It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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