I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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