Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
