I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
