WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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