We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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