i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
