life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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