You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
