I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Randomize
