Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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