I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
