Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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