His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
