Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
