Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
