Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
