why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
