i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
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