I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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