The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
