hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Randomize
