Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
