Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
