i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
