i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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