I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize