I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
