I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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