Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
