My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
