The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
