If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
