why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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