my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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