I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
