my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
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I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
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Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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