Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
