I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
She needs sedatives and a leash
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
