He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
