she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
