My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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