I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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