I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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